Bear Hugs

     "Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn’t just about being tough. It’s about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don’t have to be tough every minute of every day. It’s okay to let down your guard. In fact there are moments when it’s the best thing you can possibly do… as long as you choose your moments wisely."- Meredith Grey from Grey’s Anatomy

      At a certain point in our lives we all learn how to become tough. Whether it means standing up for yourself in your work center, telling the mean kid on the bus to leave you alone, or learning how to walk away from an unhealthy situation. Through these learning experiences we not only become tough, but we learn how to build walls. No wall is the same. Some people build their walls out of sheet rock, easily knocked down. Others build theirs out of brick, slowly but steadily laying down a layer at a time. Walls help people to do things that they normally wouldn’t have the strength to do. I started building my wall at a young age, as I’m sure you can imagine. My wall was made out of cement, thick, strong, no holes or cracks. With this wall I was able to make decisions a nine year old girl should not have to make.

     It was just another night in my house hold, parents fighting, my mother threatening to leave my father, my little brother anxiously sitting on my bed while I tried to distract him by building forts, or constructing Lego’s with the estranged pieces that we found under my bed or in my closet.  The fighting usually continued for hours, as I listened to my mother tell my father to get a real job, or my father call her a bitch or whore because she talked to other men on the internet. Occasionally a glass item would get thrown across the room and smash into pieces. One night I walked out of my room, thinking that the fighting had stopped. I instructed my brother to stay in my room, or go to his until I came back. When I got to the living room I found my mother in a bear hug with my father with a knife to her throat. I remember getting the closest phone, and my nine year old self called the cops. I drug my brother back to my room and we sat there until I saw the red and blue lights flashing around creating an almost strobe like effect in my room. I didn’t see my father after that night for almost six months. My mother told me he went to a psych ward. Three months after I turned ten, only about a year after the “bear hug” ordeal, my mother finally filed for a divorce. I remember the two of them sitting me and my brother down on the concrete edge of our driveway demanding us to choose who we wanted to live with, and at age ten I learned how to choose. For better or for worst. 

     Like I end most of my posts so far, I urge any of my readers if you or a loved one have been abused, attacked, or raped please seek help. It’s never too late to get help, or remove yourself and loved ones from an unhealthy situation. Remember it is always darkest before the dawn! You do not have to go it alone. There is always hope.

This is my story.

Heat Rage

     It was unlike any summer, so hot you sat in the nearest shade just to catch your breath before continuing on. I was eight years old running around with friends on my block almost as if the heat wasn’t a factor. I remember so clearly running up my front cement stairs to an open door, watching as the curtains my mother had hanging up lightly blew around in the little wind coming through the windows. I made my way down the hall, noticing the silence in the house as I observed that there was no one in the house. I made it to the closet in my room when I had heard a noise behind me, but before I could react I was being yelled at and thrown to my bed. The man placed one hand over my mouth and told me to shut up as I tried yelling. The man who came in reaped the innocence’s of a little girl that day. After he was done I was tossed to the floor like one of the dolls on my bed, which were now scattered about. I walked away that day with a few minor scrapes and bruises but a lifetime of troubles ahead of me. As I made my way back down the hallway, the silence that followed the attack had become less peaceful. The curtains swaying in the wind became the only witness’ to my past, just ghosts mocking me in my own home. When I was eight I learned how to fear.

     This would not be the end of what seemed like an un-ending spiral of unfortunate events. I would like to share a quote from my favorite show Private Practice: “You ever been violated? Anybody rape you lately? Let me tell you what it’s like. You know those made for TV movies where some woman's crouched down naked in a shower holding her knees and sobbing because when she closes her eyes she can still feel the guys hands on her? How when they show the attack the woman's eyes go all blank and still and she goes to some other place in her mind just to deal with the horror of what's happening to her while some Lillith Fair song plays. It is nothing like that. He's sturdy and sweaty and he licks your face and wipes himself off in your hair and when you try to scream he punches you so hard you see God. And then he goes at you again reaping stuff you didn't even know you had because he enjoyed it so much the first time. I know you're trying to help but if helping me means that everyone is gonna be looking at me the way you're looking at me now please do not help me.”- Charlotte King played by KaDee Strickland

 As much as I love this quote at times, if you have ever been attacked, abused, or a loved one you know has been please do not feel alone. There are so many people out there that want to help. For instance my favorite site RAINN has helped hundreds of rape, abuse and incest victims as well as their families. I have a link to RAINN under my favorite websites sidebar.  Do not feel like you have to go it alone.  There is always hope. 

Just the Begining

     At the age of 8 I learned how to fear. At age 10 I learned how to choose. At age 15 I learned to hate. At age 18 I learned to forget. At age 20 I'm learning how to change.

     I am a daughter. I am a sailor. I am a friend, a creator, and political activist. At times I tend to be neurotic and overwhelming, and many times touchy-feely things just down right annoy me. I am rough around the edges, and tend to come off as heartless or at least this is what i have been told. But just like every other human being I have things that hurt me and things that enlighten me. When I'm sitting in my office in the begining of the day with a hot cup of tea, watching the sun rise  I think to myself  ' yea this isnt so bad.' 

     I am a 20 year old woman, who has been on more journeys in her life then any 3 men on the street have tied their shoes. ABC's hit drama, Private Practice, has oddly enough helped me get through some of the biggest ordeals in my life. For instance at the same time the character Violet, played by the great Amy Brenneman, was going to trial for her attack (she was attacked by a patient) I was going to court against my rapist.  Watching this woman who had been "literally and figurativley gutted" - Shonda Rhimes, muster up the courage to face this woman, helped me gain the strength to do the same.  I was even lucky enough to get the chance to talk to Amy B! After telling her that her character helped inspire me to be more, and go through with the trial as hard as it was, she responded with  "Thank you for that, and good luck with the journey you are on. You sound like a courageous woman."  I am and always will be a dedicated to the show that helped me turn my life around. 

     I have learned a great ability of being able to change who you are. Some say that people cant change, that they only get better at covering it up. But i have seen it, and it is possible. There is always hope. My lifes story is too long to write all in my first post, but for now with the help of the amazing Internet I get to share my story with you. And if this is all a little choppy hang in there with me because I'm still learning! I look foward to sharing, observing, complaining and all of the above!