Hide N' Seek

“Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.” –Meredith Grey “Grey’s Anatomy”

     As I grew older, one would have thought I’d grow up, mature and come to a realization that I had to change my life because no one around me was going to do it; but I didn’t. I told myself that what I was letting myself go through was okay, that he did it to get out his frustrations he had with my mother. I told myself that he was just drunk, that he was never like this when he didn’t drink. I mean seriously what father would intentionally hurt his daughter? But still his voice haunted me in my sleep, the scratchy whisper of if I told anyone he would find me…he would hurt me. But I hadn’t told anyone, 7 years later I hadn’t told a soul of what happened that summer day, how he made me and my brother sleep in the same bed with him, about the time I was taking a shower and didn’t lock the door behind me, or about a drunken incident that left me with bruises, a broken lamp to clean up, and a possibly a fractured cheek bone that needed tending too. I hadn’t told anyone about any of it, I confided in myself and buried it so deep I slowly started to forget, but he still hurt me. Lying on the floor of my closet, playing his sick twisted game of Hide N’ Seek, listening for the sound of the door knob turning, holding the door shut with all the strength I had while he pulled on the other side, my cheeks wet with tears of fear and hatred. Having my head hit the desk and floor until I could feel the warmth of blood, being stranded on the floor of my room, legs numb, body shaking, and a feeling of worthlessness spreading through every inch of my body. I was 15 years old and still letting myself go through this, because all I was to the world was a bitch, a whore, a child that no one wanted, or at least that’s what I was told. I knew that everyone had pain, and thought that this was mine. I became a ghost, a body for my father to assault, and a walking entity for my mother to use and abuse. I fought through it, building my wall higher after each assault, becoming a man-hating-woman, a person who would have trouble trusting anyone with her secrets; secrets of abuse, alcohol, assault, and self-destruction.

      Don’t let yourself become your worst enemy. 7years is a long time to keep something like this to oneself, and there were many consequences in my life that came along with it. But as you continue to read my blog you will see I got help and you can too. RAINN is an amazing resource that can help you get the help you need. You can talk to them through their hotlines (I have) and I can tell you that talking to someone is better than not talking at all. If you or a loved one are being hurt or has been hurt, it’s never too late to get help. Visit http://www.rainn.org/ for more information on how to get help, volunteer, or even donate.